The video in question is embedded below, and it’s everything we’ve come to expect from Gaga, with a little Beyonce thrown in the mix. Gaga’s an inmate at a Prison For Bitches. There’s a Gaga penis joke within the first minute and a half. She wears sunglasses with lit cigarettes glued to them. She has thick black Chola eyebrows Michael K would pee himself over. Beyonce picks her up from prison in the Kill Bill Pussy Wagon.

We’re confused. But we like kinda it.

Play “spot the sponsors!” while you watch the video below:

UPDATE: The video has been mysteriously marked “private.” Seems like it was released a couple of hours early, before its scheduled 11:30 p.m. ET premiere on E! News. We’ll check the link again after its official premiere.

UPDATE #2: As we suspected, the link’s back up and running. Enjoy!

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Sadly, no. But wow: Ellen Degeneres actually jumped up from her perch on the judges’ panel to hug contestant Tim Urban for doing an impressive job on that old Idol standard “Hallelujah.” And Kara Dioguardi let her steely guard down, sobbing uncontrollably over new dad Michael Lynche’s R&B stylings.

What is going on?! Tim’s cute and all — and Michael seems like a really nice guy – but they did not exactly blow the roof off the joint. Crystal Bowersox can do that with no effort at all. As Simon Cowell says, it’s hers to win; but where’s the love, hugs and tears for the girls?

Let’s be honest here: This season’s male singers lack the frontman charisma of an Adam Lambert, a Chris Daughtry, or even, dare say it, a David Archuleta.

Michael’s smooth, emotional performance brought Kara to tears because she was reminded of his powerful Idol-ready backstory — that of a devoted family man whose maturity touches her deeply. OK, so maybe he exudes a teensy bit of charisma. As for Tim, who should be filed under Most Improved, Ellen all but knighted him a future top-tier contestant with a simple hug: This kid is a shoo-in, partly because Ellen approves and partly because he looks like Zac Efron’s cousin. Still, one might imagine him as the leader of an acapella group or a principal on Glee – not creating buzz and singles as a frontman cog in the wheel of the Idol-industrial complex.

Still, where is this season’s Adam Lambert? Why are the guys so BLAH? Is there anyone from the past — cough Adam cough — that you wish would return and make you wanna dial his number 5,000 times?

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Ashton Kutcher, actor (@aplusk):

Jordin Sparks, singer (@TheRealJordin):

Diablo Cody, writer (@diablocody):

Kim Kardashian, reality star (@KimKardashian):

Kat Dennings, actress (@OfficialKat):

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Diablo Cody, writer (@diablocody):

Kathy Ireland, model (@kathyireland):

Rainn Wilson, actor (@rainnwilson):

Nick Cannon, actor (@NickCannon):

MC Hammer, rapper (@MCHammer):

Conan O’Brien, talk show host (@ConanOBrien):

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But, like any Oscars ceremony, there was an extra something-something missing that producers inexplicably could not fit into a 4-hour award-a-thon. Memorable moments, unplanned events. Yes, there was a conspicuous lack of spontaneity–come on, Bigelow, Jeff Bridges, Mo’Nique and Sandy Bullock were all a lock to win their respective slots. Kind of boring, no?

Here are some bits we wish we had witnessed during this hallowed Hollywood event:

1. Bigelow gets all up in James Cameron’s face after her victory, yelling: “I’m the king of the world!”
2. Kanye West storms the stage during Bullock’s touching acceptance speech, eliciting a furious wave of boos. “I’m gonna let you finish, Sandy, but I just need to say something: Meryl Streep deserves this award!!! She gave one of the best Julia Child performances of ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!”
3. For the love of good music — and Colin Farrell — could the Academy have allowed Colin to sing the winning theme from Crazy Heart? We saw him perform it as a young country superstar in the film, and we know he can carry a tune, so why not take advantage of this? If Farrell didn’t want to do it, there was an able substitute in the audience: TIM MCGRAW. We repeat, TIM MCGRAW.
4. The Dude – aka Bridges — wanders onstage halfway through the big giant professional dance number, thereby sending up his confusing presence in this celebrity video tribute set to “We Are The World.”
5. The pre-show is Dullsville without any Brangelina sightings or Bjork swan dresses. So Gary Busey crashes the red carpet again, throwing off the unflappable Ryan Seacrest for a second time since ‘08. Never not funny. Ever.
6. A James Cameron diva meltdown. Presenter Ben Stiller tried to bait the director by dressing up like an Avatar, alternating between gibberish and English, saying: “I want to put my tail — my braid — into your dragon.” Another presenter, Tyler Perry, tried to get a rise, cracking a joke at Cameron’s expense. But the man didn’t budge. When ex-wife Bigelow beat him for Best Director, he took it like a gracious loser. Then again, Cameron could are less! He’s swimming in gold coins like Scrooge McDuck.
7. Less GOLD on the red carpet. Enough with the metallic column gowns, ladies. We’re bored. Where’s Bjork?
8. More boobie roses on Charlize. We want her to turn around and show two more ill-placed rosettes on her butt.
9. More boyfriends on the red carpet. Where was Shia LaBeouf for Carey Mulligan and Pacey for Diane Kruger? Pacey (real name: Joshua Jackson) is Kruger’s No. 1 accessory but he was nowhere to be seen during the show. Was he at the bar with Dawson?
10. Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston presenting together. They co-star in the upcoming comedy The Bounty Hunter and go on heavily-photographed Mexican vacays, so would it kill the maybe-couple to maybe give us a LITTLE something by announcing the award for, say, Best Foreign-Language Film? Last year, Aniston stirred up some tabloid fun while presenting an award as Brangelina sat in the front row; she smiled at Brad Pitt, then took her seat 30 rows back alongside then-boyfriend John Mayer. We fear nothing can top this — ever.
11. Dramz! Brangelina! We missed them. Too bad the Jolie-Pitt brood is abroad, possibly eating ice cream in Italy. Mango-papaya for Zahara! Coffee flavor for Maddox! Then they go to McDonald’s and Angelina buys them Happy Meals; then Jon Voight shows up and they reconcile as one big happy family and go on a gondola ride. The Oscars are so not important.

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• Jenna Elfman and her husband welcomed a baby boy on Tuesday, the actress tweeted yesterday. [People]

• More details on Conan O’Brien’s live tour: It will begin in April, and the comedian will visit mostly West coast cities with possible dates in New York City. [The Wrap]

• Precious took home five prizes at last night’s Independent Spirit Awards, including ones for Gabourey Sidibe, Mo’nique, and Lee Daniels. [Variety]

• The couple involved in Ronnie’s Jersey Shore boardwalk fight sued MTV, saying Sammi started it and the channel edited the fight to show otherwise. [RadarOnline]

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They were all sweet — especially John Park — but we’re not especially sad to see them go. The same could be said for each and every one of this year’s contestant pool. In a word, the lot can be described as meh; as a devoted and diehard fan of this show, I feel obligated to watch and feel personally invested in the talent. But this year, I can’t seem to get on board with anyone — watching feels more like a chore than a pleasure, and I know something is off when I’d rather catch a rerun of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

This season is meh for several reasons:

A) Paula Abdul is not on the show, creating a void of spontaneity and humor that is lacking from the judges’ panel. Who knew that Ellen Degeneres could be so boring? She’s Ellen! She hosted the Oscars, has her own talk show, is a comedian; unlike Paula, however, she lacks that wackadoo unintentional humor that can’t be rehearsed. Paula has that, which is why she’s perfect for reality TV. Ellen is way too earnest, and she seems to have one phrase in her Idol handbook: “I really like you.”

B) There’s no Adam Lambert, David Cook, Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood or Jennifer Hudson; compared with these previous standouts, the contestants this season lack that X factor that takes my breath away and makes me root for them. Hell, even those one-name wonders Sanjaya and Chikeze had more charisma. The guys are a lost cause; as Simon Cowell observed, there’s a great chance a woman might win. In that case, the saving grace might be Ally Sheedy doppelganger Siobhan Magnus or soul-rocker Crystal Bowersox, who I swear saw singing Janis on the L platform in Chicago circa 2004.

C) Simon doesn’t want to be there. Oh, he would rather be anywhere but there. Clearly. How can I be excited about a show when its star — and evil genius — phones in his two cents, winks at his fiancee off stage and talks to Paula imposter Kara Dioguardi during performances. If he could yawn, he would.

Speaking of Kara, I will use a Kara-ism to describe my apathy toward this super-boring lineup of meh: STEP IT UP, IDOL. I love you. I don’t want to give up just yet. So give me something to care about — or I’m switching permanently to the E!: The Kardashian Channel.

Enough about me. Let’s throw it back to you: What do you think about this season? Does it give you the blahs? Who do you love — and who makes you go meh?

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Brittany Murphy’s mom has just put her house up for sale — the house where Brittany died … TMZ has learned.Simon Monjack tells us Sharon Murphy listed the house today for $7.25 million. The house, located in the Hollywood Hills, is 8,000 square …

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